F**k Now There Are Two of You Read online

  About the Book

  Adam Mansbach famously gave voice to two of parenting’s primal struggles in Go the F—k to Sleep and You Have to F—king Eat—the unrivalled pair of New York Times bestsellers that ushered in a new era of radical honesty in humour books for parents. But what could possibly be left?

  Parents—new, old, expectant—of multiple children already knew the answer and Adam discovered it for himself by having two more kids, less than two years apart. F—k, Now There Are Two of You is a loving monologue about the new addition to the family, addressed to a big sibling and shot through with Adam's trademark profane truth-telling. Gorgeously illustrated and full of unspoken sentiments channelled directly from the brains of parents worldwide, F—k, Now There Are Two of You articulates all the fears and frustrations attendant to the simple, maths-defying fact that two is a million more kids than one.

  As you probably know by now, you shouldn’t read it to a child.

  For Zanthe and Asa, and Olivia

  CONTENTS

  COVER PAGE

  ABOUT THE BOOK

  TITLE PAGE

  ALSO BY

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  COPYRIGHT PAGE

  I have wonderful news for you, darling.

  A little brother or sister is coming—what fun!

  As for me, my life’s pretty much fucked now

  Because two’s a million more kids than one.

  The baby is growing inside Mama’s tummy.

  Put your hand there—you might feel a kick!

  Soon you won’t be the focus of all our attention.

  Chances are, that will make you a dick.

  I never knew love before you came

  And I swore that one kid would be it, so

  This is a big change for us all, hon.

  Our life is one gigantic shit show.

  Once there were pockets of quiet

  When Mama and Papa could do a few

  Grown-up-type things, but not anymore.

  Fuck! Now there are two of you.

  No, I can’t play right now, kiddo.

  The babe spent the whole night awake.

  I know you feel sad and neglected

  But cut me some slack, for fuck’s sake.

  Wow, so now you’re an infant again?

  You’re watching the baby and following suit?

  I don’t know how to break this to you, love,

  But that shit is not fucking cute.

  Looking back, with just you it was easy

  To do stuff without a big uproar.

  Now the simplest outing’s a grueling ordeal.

  What the fuck did we sign ourselves up for?

  You’re so loving and sweet with the baby,

  Snuggled in bed, side by side.

  It makes me wish I could forget your attempts

  At motherfucking fratricide.

  Someday you’ll entertain one another

  While we chill and catch up on our reading.

  But for years—fucking years!—there will not be a time

  No one’s shitting or crying or peeing.

  I don’t love you any less now, my dear.

  Love’s not a pie; we don’t have to divide it.

  I’m just so frazzled I hate everybody

  And I’m too fucking tired to hide it.

  Sorry, sweetheart, we can’t go to the playground.

  The baby’s so big now—it’s tricky to manage her!

  And I’ll be damned if I let myself be

  Outnumbered like some fucking amateur.

  The floor and all four walls are covered

  In vegetables, pasta, and fruit.

  I can vaguely remember when meals did not

  require fucking hazmat suits.

  Sometimes when you both are sleeping,

  We watch you, secure in the knowledge

  That one day this madness will come to an end

  And you’ll both go the fuck off to college.

  At two in the morning it hits me.

  My heart thumps a-rat-a-tat-tat.

  If you two are going to college

  How the fuck are we paying for that?

  The End

  Also by Adam Mansbach & Owen Brozman

  You Have to F**king Eat

  F**k, Now There Are Two of You

  by Adam Mansbach & Ricardo Cortés

  Go the F**k to Sleep

  Seriously, Just Go to Sleep

  Adam Mansbach is an award-winning novelist, humourist and screenwriter whose works include the novels Rage Is Back, Angry Black White Boy and The End of the Jews, the screenplay for the Netflix Original film Barry, and, most recently—with Dave Barry and Alan Zweibel—A Field Guide to the Jewish People. He actually has three children, two of whom are under two years old. Please send help.

  AdamMansbach.com

  Owen Brozman is an illustrator whose work includes comics, advertisements, murals, album covers and magazines. He illustrated the cookbook Kindness & Salt, the graphic novel Nature of the Beast and the previous book in this series, You Have to Fucking Eat. He lives with his family in Brooklyn, New York.

  OwenBrozman.com

  All rights reserved. Without limiting the rights under copyright above, no part of this publication shall be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise), without the prior permission of both the copyright owner and the publisher of this book.

  Copyright © Words, Adam Mansbach 2019

  Copyright © Illustrations, Owen Brozman 2019

  First published in the United States by Akashic Books, 2019

  This edition published by The Text Publishing

  Company, 2019

  The moral rights of the author and illustrator have been asserted.

  ISBN: 9781 922 268 341 (hardback)

  ISBN: 9781 925 923 049 (ebook)

  A catalogue record for this book is available from the National Library of Australia.

 

 

  Adam Mansbach, F**k, Now There Are Two of You

  Thanks for reading the books on GrayCity.Net